I cried four times today. I’m trying to keep it at that number. Last Thursday, I cried upwards of 9 times. The crying I’m talking about isn’t me getting misty eyed, or a sniffle or two…but full fledged ugly crying. Along with the crying comes misguided and “out of left field” statements, biting off people’s heads, and more wrinkles in the past two months than in the three years of law school..
In May, I had lunch with two girlfriends who graduated law school a year ahead of me…passed the bar…and are now ‘real’ attorneys. Both warned me my optimistic, happy, glass half full, smiley personality would be obliterated this summer…and slowly surface the weeks following the bar (or bar results). Sarah said she cried a lot, Erin said she was angry. Neither of them told me raving lunacy was possible…nor did they inform me that self-doubt, insecurity, and constant questioning of myself–my abilities–and my future was the theme for my summer.
My dad reminded me this morning (during my second meltdown of the day) I’m not alone. I’m not the only person taking the Bar Exam this summer, nor am I the only person who has ever had the worst summer of their lives while studying for the bar… I’m not the only crier (though I may be the ugliest crier)…I’m not the only person with self doubt…or the only person who has lived in lulu lemon and messy ponytails all summer.
With one week left… here’s to the ugly crying, my meltdowns over the little things, a few more wrinkles, yoga pants, prayers being said, memorization that sticks, and the end finally being in sight.